Tag: Jokes

Puppies, Lone Star Lottery, and Palin’s Lawsuit Loss: Headlines, April 22, 2025.

by WillSmirk4Food, posted in Uncategorized

kRISTi nOEM AND $3,000

Sunday evening someone lifted DHS Secretary Kristi Noem’s purse while her family was out dining. In addition to her ID and her government passes, the purse contained $3,000 in cash. Why? I guess she’s just a few dalmation puppies short of making that coat.

Texas Lottery Scandal

The head of the Texas Lottery resigned, while the state is looking into possible impropriety. I’m not sure what’s going on, but the state probably screwed up when they introduced scratch-and-sniff tickets.

The NY Times Beats Caribou Barbie

A federal jury in Manhattan found the New York Times (NYT) not liable for defaming Sarah Palin in a 2017 editorial about gun control. I’m not saying Palin is disappointed with the outcome, but she’s already booked a helicopter so she can go hunting lawers…

Missing Purses, Missus Chats, and Cardinals on Parade: Headlines, April 21, 2025

by WillSmirk4Food, posted in Uncategorized

Boy it’s been a long time since I posted…

Kristi noem gets her purse snatched

Department of Homeland Security Head Kristi Noem had her purse stolen while eating out with her family on Sunday. The purse contained $3,000 in cash. In related news, ICE just sent a purse with $3,000 cash to El Salvador.

Pete hegseth loves himself some signal

There were calls to fire Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth after he had discussed military operations on a Signal chat again, which this time included his wife. Nobody realized that Mrs. Hegseth was on the chat until she mentioned that her mother was coming to visit.

Rome gets to pick a new pope

With the passing of Pope Francis, the Vatican must prepare to choose his successor. Soon, Cardinals will be locked in a room until they decide who will lead the Roman Catholic Church. Once the selection process begins, there will be prayers and speeches, preliminary votes, and a contest to see who can eat the most Eucharist.

(By the way, you can rent Conclave for $5.99 now on Amazon Prime.)

Is Your Bank in Trouble?

by WillSmirk4Food, posted in Humor

After the collapse of two banks last week, you may wonder how secure your bank might be. Here are some signs your bank might be in trouble:

  • When you’re waiting at the drive-through, the bank manager squeegees your windshield for spare change
  • Instead of giving you a toaster when you open a new account, they give you toast
  • You try to withdraw some cash from the ATM, and the machine makes a sad trombone sound
  • Your ATM card is made of actual cardboard
  • They replaced the pens in the lobby with crayons – yet they’re still chained down
  • The tellers are so focused on their next job when they hand you your cash they ask you if you want fries with it

Not the News: March 17, 2021

by WillSmirk4Food, posted in Uncategorized

Today’s top story:

Former President Trump is still saying he won the 2020 election.  Not only that, he now claims he’s won more Grammys than Beyonce.

in other news:

After President Biden’s dog Major nipped at a stranger recently, the dog is back in Delaware for some remedial training.  When asked about it, Biden said he’s not going to whack the dog on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.  He’s saving that for Mitch McConnell.

Millions of Americans are finding those stimulus payments of $1,400 per person deposited in their bank accounts this week.  This means we’ll have a staggering betting pool for this year’s College Men’s Basketball Tournament.

Finally, today is St Patrick’s Day when Americans celebrate the man who drove the snakes from Ireland by driving their livers into the ground.