Stink, Kansas, the Chinese Spy Balloon, and Trans Rights: Headlines for Monday, January 1

TRUMP HAS A CERTAIN “AIR” ABOUT HIM

Adam Kinzinger revealed that the ex-president reeks of a disgusting combination of armpits, ketchup, butt and makeup. 

Ivanka is going to cash in by turning Trump’s stench into a cologne. (“You too can smell just like your president!”)

Update: Someone mentioned the makeup smell could come from the iodine in cheap bronzer. Which means the greatest threat Trump faces is paper cuts.

Update two: Trump Fixer Michael Cohen says Trump (AKA “Donald von Shitzenpants”) craps himself. Video here. 

Update three: Eventually we’ll get a book about this: ”The Fart of the Deal.”

How Kansas Became the Hottest Economy in the US by Electing a Democrat.

This article reveals how Governor Laura Kelly’s policies of supporting key industries, reversing tax cuts, and increasing public spending led to unprecedented economic growth and reduced income inequality in Kansas.

There’s been a big expansion in industries like scarecrows, tin men, and cowardly lions.

CHINA’S SPY BALLOON RELIED ON DIAL-UP?

A Chinese surveillance balloon that flew over the US in 2023 used an American internet service provider to communicate with Beijing, according to a US official.

It’s amazing what lengths the Chinese Communists will go to to watch American porn.

Ohio Governor Vetoes Anti-Trans Bill, Shocks His Own Party.

Mike DeWine, a Republican, rejected a bill that would ban gender-affirming care for trans youth and transgender athletes from competing in girls’ and women’s sports, citing the need to respect parents and physicians.*

Now if we could only get Republicans to respect minorities and poor people.

* DeWine vetoed a bill that would ban gender-affirming care for minors, but then issued new regulations that would severely restrict access to such care for both minors and adults. The regulations would require providers to report detailed data on trans patients to the state and obtain approval from a multidisciplinary team before offering any care. The article exposes the governor’s deceptive and harmful strategy to undermine trans rights and health.

Trump’s Latest Claims

Trump returned to Mar-a_Lago from Iowa and told supporters polls have him leading Biden by 14 points. Other claims he made include:

  • Alabama beat Georgia in the SEC championship because of the game plan he gave to Nick Saban.
  • Trump also coached California governor Gavin Newsome on how to mop the floor with Rick DeSantis in this week’s debate
  • His skilled dance moves have made him the number-one performer on TikToK
  • His hair can cure cancer
  • He’s just one recount away from winning the 2020 election

We Will Miss All of George Santos’s Accomplishments

Now that the House of Representatives has ousted George Santos from his seat, we should take a moment to remember all of the things that Santos has done over the years.

  • Winning the Heisman Trophy as a punter for Appalachian State
  • Taking the famous photo of the Marines raising the flag on Iwo Jima
  • Writing the screenplay for Everything Everywhere All at Once
  • Playing the voice of Daffy Duck in Space Jam 2

As a side note, Santos left the House chamber before the vote was completed. He was probably checking the pockets of coats hung up in the coat room to look for loose change.

And then there’s this:

Emeril Didn’t Bomb Cambodia

Anthony Bourdain didn’t have a favorable opinion of Henry Kissinger:

A Real TV Dinner?

Netflix is opening a pop-up restaurant that will feature entrees from its cooking shows.

Does that mean you pay a monthly subscription fee and every so often they mail you food?

I hope they’re limiting the entrees to their cooking shows. If you can order something from the series Dahmer, I think I’ll pass.

Trump’s Legal Troubles: A Quiz

The big news is the potential combination of lawsuits and criminal charges that Donald Trump could soon face. So let’s see how well you’re keeping up with everything with a quick quiz.

Question 1

Trump could get indicted for the payoffs to Stormy Daniels, the pressure he tried to put on Georgia to change the election outcome, his involvement in January Sixth, and the classified documents at Mar-a-Lago. The chance of multiple indictments at the same time would mean:

  • His legal team would be overloaded handling simultaneous cases
  • Trump’s campaign could get bogged down in bad news
  • If Trump collects four indictments, he wins a free personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut

question 2

The grand jury in Georgia is looking at Trump’s “perfect” phone call to Georgia officials demanding they “find” 11,000 votes to put the state in Trump’s win column. Trump said they could find those votes:

  • by looking for dead voters
  • by examining voting machines to see if they altered the results
  • in the couch cushions — you can find a lot of things in couch cushions

question 3

Former Vice President and 2024 presidential candidate Mike Pence is trying to avoid testifying before the January 6 grand jury. Pence wants to skip testifying because:

  • As President of the Senate, he’s covered by the Constitution’s Speech and Debate clause
  • He doesn’t want to upset the MAGA base that he’ll need to get the nomination
  • He REALLY wants to turn to Trump during a debate and say, “Remember that time you tried to get me killed? Good times. Good times.”

Is Your Bank in Trouble?

After the collapse of two banks last week, you may wonder how secure your bank might be. Here are some signs your bank might be in trouble:

  • When you’re waiting at the drive-through, the bank manager squeegees your windshield for spare change
  • Instead of giving you a toaster when you open a new account, they give you toast
  • You try to withdraw some cash from the ATM, and the machine makes a sad trombone sound
  • Your ATM card is made of actual cardboard
  • They replaced the pens in the lobby with crayons – yet they’re still chained down
  • The tellers are so focused on their next job when they hand you your cash they ask you if you want fries with it

Could the High Price of Lumber be the Work of… SATAN???

That could be the only logical reason that someone tried to perform an exorcism on the 2 by 4s at a Pennsylvania Home Depot.

I Guess They’re Still on a Break

Jennifer Aniston Says She Would ‘Proudly’ Say She ‘Banged’ David Schwimmer If It ‘Happened’