Stink, Kansas, the Chinese Spy Balloon, and Trans Rights: Headlines for Monday, January 1

TRUMP HAS A CERTAIN “AIR” ABOUT HIM

Adam Kinzinger revealed that the ex-president reeks of a disgusting combination of armpits, ketchup, butt and makeup. 

Ivanka is going to cash in by turning Trump’s stench into a cologne. (“You too can smell just like your president!”)

Update: Someone mentioned the makeup smell could come from the iodine in cheap bronzer. Which means the greatest threat Trump faces is paper cuts.

Update two: Trump Fixer Michael Cohen says Trump (AKA “Donald von Shitzenpants”) craps himself. Video here. 

Update three: Eventually we’ll get a book about this: ”The Fart of the Deal.”

How Kansas Became the Hottest Economy in the US by Electing a Democrat.

This article reveals how Governor Laura Kelly’s policies of supporting key industries, reversing tax cuts, and increasing public spending led to unprecedented economic growth and reduced income inequality in Kansas.

There’s been a big expansion in industries like scarecrows, tin men, and cowardly lions.

CHINA’S SPY BALLOON RELIED ON DIAL-UP?

A Chinese surveillance balloon that flew over the US in 2023 used an American internet service provider to communicate with Beijing, according to a US official.

It’s amazing what lengths the Chinese Communists will go to to watch American porn.

Ohio Governor Vetoes Anti-Trans Bill, Shocks His Own Party.

Mike DeWine, a Republican, rejected a bill that would ban gender-affirming care for trans youth and transgender athletes from competing in girls’ and women’s sports, citing the need to respect parents and physicians.*

Now if we could only get Republicans to respect minorities and poor people.

* DeWine vetoed a bill that would ban gender-affirming care for minors, but then issued new regulations that would severely restrict access to such care for both minors and adults. The regulations would require providers to report detailed data on trans patients to the state and obtain approval from a multidisciplinary team before offering any care. The article exposes the governor’s deceptive and harmful strategy to undermine trans rights and health.

Trump’s Latest Claims

Trump returned to Mar-a_Lago from Iowa and told supporters polls have him leading Biden by 14 points. Other claims he made include:

  • Alabama beat Georgia in the SEC championship because of the game plan he gave to Nick Saban.
  • Trump also coached California governor Gavin Newsome on how to mop the floor with Rick DeSantis in this week’s debate
  • His skilled dance moves have made him the number-one performer on TikToK
  • His hair can cure cancer
  • He’s just one recount away from winning the 2020 election

Trump’s Legal Troubles: A Quiz

The big news is the potential combination of lawsuits and criminal charges that Donald Trump could soon face. So let’s see how well you’re keeping up with everything with a quick quiz.

Question 1

Trump could get indicted for the payoffs to Stormy Daniels, the pressure he tried to put on Georgia to change the election outcome, his involvement in January Sixth, and the classified documents at Mar-a-Lago. The chance of multiple indictments at the same time would mean:

  • His legal team would be overloaded handling simultaneous cases
  • Trump’s campaign could get bogged down in bad news
  • If Trump collects four indictments, he wins a free personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut

question 2

The grand jury in Georgia is looking at Trump’s “perfect” phone call to Georgia officials demanding they “find” 11,000 votes to put the state in Trump’s win column. Trump said they could find those votes:

  • by looking for dead voters
  • by examining voting machines to see if they altered the results
  • in the couch cushions — you can find a lot of things in couch cushions

question 3

Former Vice President and 2024 presidential candidate Mike Pence is trying to avoid testifying before the January 6 grand jury. Pence wants to skip testifying because:

  • As President of the Senate, he’s covered by the Constitution’s Speech and Debate clause
  • He doesn’t want to upset the MAGA base that he’ll need to get the nomination
  • He REALLY wants to turn to Trump during a debate and say, “Remember that time you tried to get me killed? Good times. Good times.”

Giuliani needs a new gig.

Rudy Giuliani, a lawyer for former President Trump, is suspended from law practice in New York state.

On the bright side, this will give him more time to hawk Just for Men hair dye.

Letters From The Battle of LaGuardia (1776)

Airports?

I found a copy of a letter from my Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather, Jedidiah Smirk, who served in the Revolutionary War under General Washington.

My dearest Martha,

The war has been especially difficult so far. The Redcoats fight fiercely, but General Washington is a clever man, and we’ve eluded capture by General Howe, even as the British secured a foothold in Brooklyn.

Yesterday our men were able to capture LaGuardia. It was a terrible battle, but the redcoats were hindered. Because of delays at TSA checkpoints, the British were unable to bring in reserves as we broke the main redcoat line near baggage claim in terminal “D.”

I’m sure this isn’t the last of it. Washington wants to hold the airport, but even if the British drive us off, the good general has a network of spies from among the Hare Krishnas who populate the main concourse.

Kiss the children for me.

Your loving husband,

Jed.

aND oNE MORE THING…

After talking about capturing airports, he refers to the rockets red glare at Fort McHenry and the Star Spangled Banner.

Sorry, but that was the War of 1812.

update

So the speechwriter is off the hook…

Okay, Now Trump is Getting Serious!!!

Trump administration orders 60 Russian officers out of the US over UK poisoning incident

I didn’t see in the article if each Russian gets parting gifts of a case of Turtle Wax and a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat.

Who Put a Bug up Joe Scarborough’s Ass?

John Bolton’s appointment is a fitting coda to conservatism’s failures – The Washington Post

Tell us how you really feel. Will you finally admit Morning Joe was a daily infomercial for the Deranged Shitgibbon???

Meet Our New National Security Advisior

From Reason:

A year before the United States would go to war with Iraq due (at least in part) to falsely believing that Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction, Bolton was advocating that the United States should go to war with Cuba because of later debunked reports that Fidel Castro was developing weapons of mass destruction.

He’s going to be a stabilizing influence on Trump…

But Putin Said The Russians Didn’t Do It

Government knows DNC hacker was Russian intel officer: report

Yes, they figured out Guccifer 2.0 was with Russian intelligence:

The Daily Beast reports that U.S. investigators identified the hacker as a Moscow-based Russian intelligence operative after the hacker failed to activate a virtual private networking (VPN) service meant to obscure the operative’s location before logging on.

The result was the operative’s Moscow IP address being caught in the logs of a U.S. social media company, allowing U.S. investigators to track the individual.

Guccifer 2.0 also screwed up when they discovered his password was “Password1234.”