Will Smirk for Food

President Trump: "The Continental Army suffered a bitter winner at Valley Forge, found glory across the waters of the Delaware and seized victory from Cornwallis of Yorktown. Our Army manned the air, it ran the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do." pic.twitter.com/KQIGDUWDG3

— The Hill (@thehill) July 5, 2019

I found a copy of a letter from my Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather, Jedidiah Smirk, who served in the Revolutionary War under General Washington.

My dearest Martha,

The war has been especially difficult so far. The Redcoats fight fiercely, but General Washington is a clever man, and we’ve eluded capture by General Howe, even as the British secured a foothold in Brooklyn.

Yesterday our men were able to capture LaGuardia. It was a terrible battle, but the redcoats were hindered. Because of delays at TSA checkpoints, the British were unable to bring in reserves as we broke the main redcoat line near baggage claim in terminal “D.”

I’m sure this isn’t the last of it. Washington wants to hold the airport, but even if the British drive us off, the good general has a network of spies from among the Hare Krishnas who populate the main concourse.

Kiss the children for me.

Your loving husband,

Jed.

aND oNE MORE THING…

After talking about capturing airports, he refers to the rockets red glare at Fort McHenry and the Star Spangled Banner.

Sorry, but that was the War of 1812.

update

Trump said his Teleprompter went out "right in the middle of that sentence" when he said that the Continental Army took over nonexistent airports. He added, "I guess the rain knocked out the Teleprompter…it was actually hard to look at anyway, 'cause it was rain all over."

— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) July 5, 2019