Author: WillSmirk4Food

I'm a sardonic wit, but that just means I'm a wise ass.

Trump Offers Indulgences with $TRUMP Cryptocurrency

by WillSmirk4Food, posted in Uncategorized

“If it works for the pope, it’ll work for me”

Today, Donald Trump began offering indulgences to purchasers of $TRUMP cryptocurrency. Those who purchase this cryptocurrency will be guaranteed a pardon for federal criminal acts committed while Trump is in office.

“My lawyers say I can pardon whoever I want,” Trump explained. “Since I’m pardoning my supporters like the Chrisleys, why not make pardons into a sound business?”

Democrats point out that this is tantamount to bribery and note that in the 16th century, it led to Martin Luther and the Protestant Reformation.

Trump responded to the accusation: “I didn’t know Martin Luther King cared about this.”

Free Willy 2: Willy’s Revenge

by WillSmirk4Food, posted in Uncategorized

Since we’re dropping fighter jets in the ocean, Orcas can up their game in the war against yachts.

Puppies, Lone Star Lottery, and Palin’s Lawsuit Loss: Headlines, April 22, 2025.

by WillSmirk4Food, posted in Uncategorized

kRISTi nOEM AND $3,000

Sunday evening someone lifted DHS Secretary Kristi Noem’s purse while her family was out dining. In addition to her ID and her government passes, the purse contained $3,000 in cash. Why? I guess she’s just a few dalmation puppies short of making that coat.

Texas Lottery Scandal

The head of the Texas Lottery resigned, while the state is looking into possible impropriety. I’m not sure what’s going on, but the state probably screwed up when they introduced scratch-and-sniff tickets.

The NY Times Beats Caribou Barbie

A federal jury in Manhattan found the New York Times (NYT) not liable for defaming Sarah Palin in a 2017 editorial about gun control. I’m not saying Palin is disappointed with the outcome, but she’s already booked a helicopter so she can go hunting lawers…

Missing Purses, Missus Chats, and Cardinals on Parade: Headlines, April 21, 2025

by WillSmirk4Food, posted in Uncategorized

Boy it’s been a long time since I posted…

Kristi noem gets her purse snatched

Department of Homeland Security Head Kristi Noem had her purse stolen while eating out with her family on Sunday. The purse contained $3,000 in cash. In related news, ICE just sent a purse with $3,000 cash to El Salvador.

Pete hegseth loves himself some signal

There were calls to fire Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth after he had discussed military operations on a Signal chat again, which this time included his wife. Nobody realized that Mrs. Hegseth was on the chat until she mentioned that her mother was coming to visit.

Rome gets to pick a new pope

With the passing of Pope Francis, the Vatican must prepare to choose his successor. Soon, Cardinals will be locked in a room until they decide who will lead the Roman Catholic Church. Once the selection process begins, there will be prayers and speeches, preliminary votes, and a contest to see who can eat the most Eucharist.

(By the way, you can rent Conclave for $5.99 now on Amazon Prime.)

Jailbird Bannon, Boeing Hook-Up, & The Veep Race Heats Up: Headlines, June 6, 2024

by WillSmirk4Food, posted in headlines

Steve bannon headed to the pokey

Former Trump advisor has been ordered to report to prison to serve his sentence for contempt of Congress. Bannon had lost his most recent appeal, and had planned to keep appealing until he could serve his sentence in a nursing home.

One small step for boeing

Despite some problems with thrusters, Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft hooked up with the International Space Station. And this is after a string of technical problems that kept delaying the test launch. If there were any more delays, NASA was going to have to switch to hiring Uber.

TRUMP HAS A SHORT LIST

Trump has eliminated potential Vice Presidental candidates — like the ones that shoot puppies — and now has narrowed down his prospect to a handful. Further vetting is planned, and then Trump will judge the final phase: the swimsuit competition.

Georgia on Trump’s Mind, Mirth Control, & Boeing in Orbit: Headlines, June 5, 2024

by WillSmirk4Food, posted in headlines

The georgia voter fraud case is on hold

A Georgia appeals court has paused the voter fraud case against Donald Trump and others while it decides if the prosecutor can stay on the case. The issue is whether Fani Willis had an improper relationship with a special prosecutor. The appeals court will decide the case on it’s own schedule, while Trump wants the court to keep the case on hold until Satan purchases a Zamboni.

GOP: say no to the pill

Senate Republicans blocked a bill that would guarantee access to birth control. Democrats want to make sure that Americans have the ability for family planning, while the GOP takes note while watching “The Handmaid’s Tale.”

boeing in space

The Boeing Starliner spaceship has launched off from Cape Canaveral. And the best news is, none of the doors fell off.

What Happens in Vegas Catches Fire, Cyndi Says Goodbye, & We’re All Gonna Die: Headlines for June 4, 2024.

by WillSmirk4Food, posted in headlines

HOW HOT IS IT?

The first major heat wave will hit the Southwest this week, with temps nearing 110°. In a new promotion tied to the weather, one-arm bandits in Vegas casinos won’t dispense quarters, they’ll give winners ice cubes.

cYNDI LAUPER IS HANGING IT UP

Cyndi Lauper has announced her farewell tour. So from now on, girls just want the early bird special.

New National Pastime: chest pain

By 2050, over 60% of adults in the US will suffer from heart disease. That’s what we get for trying McDonald’s new sandwich, The Filet O’Pork Rinds.

Hunter’s Trial, Green vs. Fauci, and Mexico’s First Woman President: Headlines, June 3, 2023.

by WillSmirk4Food, posted in headlines

So did you spend the morning chopping cotton or bailing hay?

THE HUNTER BIDEN TRIAL GETS UNDERWAY.

A jury has been selected for Hunter Biden’s trial on gun charges. While the President has shown fatherly support for Hunter, I’m not sure how things will go if the Thanksgiving Dinner invitation list has to include Hunter’s probation officer.

MTG ON THE WARPATH AGAINST DR. FAUCI

Marjorie Taylor Green raked Dr. Fauci over the coals in a Congressional Hearing. Her tantrum was so intense WWE wrestlers were taking notes.

mexico elects a jewish woman as president

Okay, this is an old joke but I’m going to tell it anyway.

Claudia Sheinbaum will become Mexico’s first Jewish president and its first woman president. At the inauguration, while she’s taking the oath, Ms. Sheinbaum’s mother will nudge the person next to her and say, “See that woman? Her brother is a doctor!”

And we know what an old racist Trump is. He’s probably thinking, “We can get Mexico to pay for the wall! Their president can get it wholesale!!!”

J-Lo Cancels Tour, Lots of Hurricanes, & Kim Still Littering: Headlines June 2, 2024.

by WillSmirk4Food, posted in headlines

By the way, it’s my daughter’s birthday today.

No summer concert tour for Jennifer Lopez

J-Lo will not tour this summer as planned. I guess it wasn’t a good idea to call it the “I’m not Taylor Swift” tour.

ANOTHER BUSY HURRICANE SEASON

Higher-than-average water temperatures in the North Atlantic mean that we could have more hurricanes this year. People in the southeast US have to prepare for a busy hurricane season by making sure they have sufficient provisions, planning evacuation routes, and moving to Idaho.

NORTH KOREA LOFTING MORE TRASH INTO SOUTH KOREA

North Korea has launched another 600 trash-filled balloons into South Korea. Either this represents a further escalation of diplomatic tensions between the two nations, or Kim Jong-Un has gotten really serious this year about spring cleaning.

Kim’s Poop Balloons, Trump’s Stormy Trial, & Go Tell it on The Mountain: Headlines May 29

by WillSmirk4Food, posted in headlines

My apologies for the lag in creating posts

North korea launches balloons against south Korea filled with garbage and manure

North Korea responded to propaganda leaflets launched from South Korea with balloons filled with garbage and manure. Later Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un used diplomatic back channels to ask President Biden if his refrigerator was running.

THE JURY BEGINS DELIBERATION IN THE TRUMP HUSH MONEY TRIAL.

The New York Jury is now deciding whether Trump broke the law in paying off Stormy Daniels to keep her quiet about their sexual liaison years ago. While the prosecution covered the money trail, the “catch and kill” conspiracy with The National Enquirer, and payments to Michael Cohen, they didn’t answer the biggest question: how small is Trump’s penis.

HAPPY MOUNT EVEREST DAY

May 29th is the day we celebrate the anniversary of a guy named Hillary reaching the summit of Mount Everest. Climbing Mount Everest takes skill and a great deal of bravery. It’s almost as dangerous as telling Trump he’s going to get convicted.